Why do I keep choosing people who cannot show up for me?
If you keep investing in unavailable people, slow the pace enough to notice behavior. Ask what they want, state what you need, and decide what you will do when those things do not align. A boundary describes your choices; it cannot make another person ready for a relationship.
You see the good in someone. You understand why life is complicated. You keep making room, hoping that enough patience will turn occasional closeness into a dependable relationship. Dating boundaries help you care about someone without making their potential more important than your present experience.
What this can look like in Utah
Shared friends, work connections, or a close Utah community can make a clear no feel socially costly. You can keep a private boundary without publicly explaining another person’s behavior. If you expect to see each other again, plan a brief courteous response rather than leaving the relationship undefined to avoid awkwardness.
Three steps to try
Name the pattern in concrete terms
Replace labels such as “unavailable” with observations: plans repeatedly canceled without rescheduling, avoidance of a relationship conversation, or pressure after you say no. This makes it easier to distinguish a mismatch from a one-time disappointment.
Say what you want without negotiating yourself away
You can want consistency or a serious relationship even if someone else does not. State the need plainly and listen to the answer. A hesitant or incompatible answer is information; it is not an assignment to become more persuasive.
Choose a boundary you can carry out
Decide what you will do if the pattern continues, such as no longer holding evenings open for unconfirmed plans. Follow through respectfully. If there are threats, coercion, or fear, prioritize safety and specialist support rather than rehearsing a confrontation.
“I’m looking for a relationship with consistent plans and mutual effort. If that is not what you want, I’m going to step back.”
Your small step this week
Identify one place where you keep hoping instead of asking. Write the question you need answered and the action you will take if the answer does not fit your needs.
What progress can look like
- Earlier recognition of a mismatch between words and behavior.
- Clearer requests without repeated persuasion.
- More consistent follow-through on your own limits.
A boundary may end an unsuitable connection. It does not guarantee that someone changes. If you feel unsafe, the National Domestic Violence Hotline offers confidential support at 800-799-SAFE and thehotline.org. Visit the Hotline.
What working with Liz felt like
“Working with Liz is on a completely different level. I think what makes Liz so good at what she does is her ability to actually listen and how versatile her mind is. She takes the time to hear what you're saying, learn all about you, and reframes perspectives in a way that gives you instant clarity.”
— Benjamin, VIP Gold Client
How Liz helped
Benjamin reports that Liz listened to his story and helped him see it from a clearer perspective. The testimonial does not describe a boundary intervention; it reflects the personalized attention he valued in coaching.
A couple of common questions
A useful boundary states your needs and what you will do to protect them. Trying to control or punish another person is different from deciding what you will participate in.
A note worth passing along.
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The Dating Note combines cited research with practical coaching ideas. Studies describe the populations they examined, not a ranking of Utah’s dating problems. Client quotes come from Liz’s existing testimonials. Editorial images are AI-generated illustrations, not photographs of clients.
